am was one of those people that really did not like the idea of being a mom. Most of it was based on my fear of not being a good mom, limited exposure to drooling babies, and not wanting to sacrifice my freedom to be tied down to somebody that needed me so much. Face it, I was too selfish to be a mother. Understandably so. You see, I was in my early twenties. I wanted to enjoy life. I wanted to party. I wanted to socialize. I wanted to have money to travel, and shop. I wanted to be able to have long and luxurious bubble baths with my glass of wine. The idea of gaining pregnancy weight made me cringe. Ah, how vain. I did not have much interest in having children. When a baby was thrushed onto my arms, I held the squirming little bag of potato with discomfort, and uncertainty. What am I supposed to do with that? Screaming babies? Eh. No thanks. A toddler throwing tantrum in the public, and being disruptive. Not my thing. Nope.
Then I met a pretty fabulous guy, and he eventually became my husband...7 years later. Stu, and I had a talk about having kids when we got engaged. He expressed a desire to have kids. Me? Eh. Maybe later, but not now. It was always Eh, later. Stu insisted that I was going to be an awesome mother. Seriously, how did he ever know that is beyond me. I rolled my eyes, and dismissed his comment as I picked up my cat, and smothered her to death with my kisses. Don't worry, she is still alive, and has smarten up enough to know when I am going to cover her in kisses, and often mysteriously disappears when I try do that, oh well.
We got married in June of 2011. About five-ish months later, I got pregnant. Was it planned? Yes despite it happening faster than we thought it would. What ever compelled me to finally swing over to "yes, I'll be a mom now" boat? Well, I was 27 going on 28. I felt much more settled down, and felt I had a good huzzah in my twenties. Stu, and I were in good place in our lives. I finally felt ready. Admittedly, I did have that moment of what the hell have I done when I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test that I took! That moment passed quickly. I felt very blessed. My whole pregnancy was a beautiful experience. Stu was an amazing husband that took care of me, and lovingly put up with my insane pregnancy hormones from time to time!
We met Forrest on 21st of August. The birth was a wonderful experience, and I could not have it any way else. I remember sitting back in the car seat with Forrest while Stu drove us back home from the hospital, and staring at this little boy of mine, and how scared shitless I was! I was thinking, oh my god, this is a huge responsibility!! I hope we won't mess this kid up for life!
HA HA HA, if I could go back in time to that very moment, I'd be telling me that I'll be just fine!
I've learned so much about myself in those past few months of being a mom. Forrest is no longer little sleeping pill bug that just ate, pooped, peed, and slept constantly. I am able to distinguish the difference between his hunger cry, and tired cry. I know when he is tired, and what exactly he needs to feel better when he's not feeling well. I am able to pull out whatever that needs to be done to calm Forrest down. I am not sure how I know...I just know. It comes to me naturally. Later when I follow up with other moms or consult a baby book, I find that what I did was right. I have no idea how I know. Call it Mama Instinct, I suppose.
I love his gummy toothless grins, chub legs, and his little squeals. It warms my heart when I see him moving his head to follow where I am going. I check on Forrest quite often in his crib during his naptimes and after he goes to sleep. I could spend hours just looking at his sleeping beautiful angel face. Because of this overwhelming love I have for him, and an innate need to protect him as much as I can, I do research before making any decision for Forrest. I may not be a perfect mom. I certainly have made a couple mistakes. And you know what? Forrest is still fine. He is now my little chunky monkey with a lot of awesome personality to offer. Forrest does keep me on my toes a lot, and I could. not. imagine. my. life. without. him. in. it. Most importantly of all, I can't imagine NOT being a mom.
He is worth everything. He is worth my time, and love. I may not have much time to myself anymore. I may not be able to go out on drop of pin. I may not be able to do some things I enjoy right now. That is okay because I have plenty time to do that later. I may have lost some people in my life that is in different stage of life than I am currently at. While that does suck, and is sad, but I understand that it's part of human nature, and life experiences to go through. It is still worth to me to have Forrest. I have a little guy that needs me, and I'm glad to be his Mama. Forrest has definitely changed my life for better.
This surprises me because I honestly did not think motherhood would come so naturally to me, but it does, and I suppose it is different when you have your own baby. I look back to my ambivalent old self that was not too sure about having a baby, and roll my eyes. It's not that big deal that I made it out to be! It's really fun! Okay, maybe there is some not so fun moments thrown in the mix, but it's all about taking in in a stride! It's such an adventure to be Mama.