Monday, January 26, 2015

Just some thoughtful mustering

It is snowing. I find that I dislike snow even more now, because it snowed on the day Layla died. The snow was awesome, and beautiful on that day, you know, the fat kind that floated gracefully to the ground, yet the wind carried underlying tone of grief.  It has been three weeks since Layla departed our lives. The days are getting easier to handle emotionally. However, there are still moments when it just hits me out of the blue. Like now. 

I look at the food crumbs untouched on the floor that is left by Forrest, and I pull out vacuum to clean up the mess. Then it hits me. Layla isn't here to "clean" up the mess. I miss her. 

It is quite hard to lose a pet. To someone who isn't a pet owner, or animal lover, it can seem so silly, and pointless to grieve over an "animal". However to people like us, it is quite difficult, because they become so much a part of our family. 

After all, Layla was our first baby that we got only a few months after we got married. Layla was a grouchy old girl with wonderful qualities. Nobody can ever replace her. It will be a really long time before we will consider getting another dog. 

Aside from feeling sad, I am surprised at how quickly I am back in the daily routine with a life of two boys, and it seems quicker this time that I am able to get back in the groove. With Forrest, it did take a good year before I felt that I could take care of myself, take care of the house, cooking, errands, and raising a baby. I think it is because I didn't realize how demanding a baby can be in term of breastfeeding; I naively thought babies sleep through the night after a certain number of months, and Forrest proved me wrong. He did not sleep through the night until he was weaned from nursing! It does help that Frankie sleeps a good chunk of hours between nursing in the night. He's such an easy baby! 

Matter of fact, I am able to get back to my sewing quicker than I anticipated. I remember working on my sewing project on the day I went into labor! I have been reading a book, an autobiography book about James Cameron (one of my favorite movie directors) explaining about his biggest work, Titanic, and how it came to fruition. It is a good book, and I hope to finish it this week so I can check off the list for the book project of the year! It is taking me longer to finish reading, because of how busy life is with my kids, and how tired I get at the night, but those two boys are so worth it. I also have another book on my Kindle, but I am not sure if it fits the book year goal. I have to recheck the list. 

Forrest continues to amaze me. He is learning SO much signs these days. He asks me for a specific sign all of the time, and loves learning. Forrest is definitely on the way of becoming a CODA (Child of a Deaf Adult), which means he's very attuned with Deaf World, and Deaf culture. I hope the same for Frankie. Forrest's favorite signs are animals, of course. Forrest is doing great health-wise. The only frustration I have been dealing with in term of Forrest's health is his possible latex allergy. He has a lot of bad reaction to wearing diapers, and Forrest no longer fits in cloth diapers. I am thinking about transitioning him into training underwear instead of pull-ups, and encourage him to really think about potty training. But....Forrest is a strong willed child, and as it is customary with strong willed children, they fight everything that parents encourage them to do. Some days I feel like pulling hair out of my head when it comes to Forrest's strong-willed behaviors, and I tell myself that it will pay off as long as I nurture this trait in him to be channeled into something persistence, to name one. 

It is hard to believe that Forrest will be 2.5 years old soon. And me turning 30. But that's a different post for another day, ha ha! It is just hard to believe that my first is going to be three this summer, and it doesn't even feel like it has been almost 3 years since I had him. 

I was thinking the other day how special my boys are to me. 

Forrest is very special to me, because he is my first, and with your first, everything is so glorified. I hate to say that. It is true though. Forrest made me a mother. With him, we celebrate our firsts; first step, first word/sign, first kiss, first smile, first sickness, first trip to ER, and so many more. I tread into murky waters of motherhood, and experience my firsts of feeling really vulnerable, love for a child, and bond I have with Stu gets so much deeper. 

With Frankie, he is my second, and I already see so much of myself in him. When Frankie entered the world, he was seemingly fragile, and small. Then he was suddenly burdened with problems in his such little life. It made me want to protect him, to hide him away from the world, and to nurture him as much as possible. But that was not how Frankie was. 

Frankie is a fighter. He is not afraid to let the world know what is on his mind. Frankie may be small, but he is not fragile. All the problems that is thrusted upon him is quickly embraced, and turned into a learning experience. To hide him away is not a reasonable thing to do. He is meant to be celebrated. Frankie has added a lot of calmness into my life as Forrest is pure chaos, and they balance each other rather well. 

I do feel really blessed to be their mother. 

It is funny, because ten years ago; I would never have imagined myself becoming a mom, and yet here I am.