Monday, January 30, 2017


How Far Along: Our Rainbow is as big as a hedgedog! The baby is hard at work sucking his/her thumb, and practicing breathing in the utero. The vitex covering is enveloping Rainbow so when the baby is born, he/she won't end up looking like a wrinkled raisin!  

I am Feeling: Really anxious to find out the baby's sex! I can't wait! I am SO ready to start doing projects, and getting ready for the baby's big day! Still dealing with nausea. It's far, and between these days, which is great, but it rears its head at most seemingly random times. 

Movements: Rainbow loves to jive around. The baby does have lazy days, but my favorite time is when the baby is crazy moving around! 

Gender: I am still adamant the baby is a boy. 

What Do I Miss the Most: My skinny blue jeans. I no longer fit in them!! SAD DAY. I need to find maternity skinny jeans! So far, I have not had any luck. I do have one cute pair of maternity pants, but they're not "skinny jeans". 

Cravings: Still the same. I've been eating a lot of Greek Style wraps lately! So good!!

Aversions: Unchanged. Like I had mentioned last week, it has become more of disinterest than anything else toward my aversions. 

Best Moments of the Week: Getting a lipsense lipstick from my childhood dear friend, Jessica! I am really in love with those! I ended up buying 4 different shades, oops! So I am excited to be getting them in the mail too. It's a birthday gift to myself. I also had my hair cut!!! I ended up having 10 inches of my hair lopped off, and it felt GREAT. I have decided to donate it to Pantene Great Length, since it is an organization targeted to women battling Breast Cancer, and I feel it's appropriate with the fact that one of my dear friends is fighting Breast Cancer for the second time.  

Looking Forward To: Oh my gosh, the ultrasound on Tuesday! I am so excited to see how Rainbow is doing. I'm also a bit anxious (just a post-miscarriage thing) to make sure that the baby is well. 

Next Appointment/Updates: Tuesday January 31st at 9 am! 

Monday, January 23, 2017


How Far Along: 18 Weeks! The baby is as big as a Sugar Glider, and is currently hard at work developing nerve endings in the brain, and the bones in the ears to help build a sense of hearing. As for Mama, my belly has been sore these days, because everything is stretching, stretching, and stretching to accommodate the little rainbow! 

I am Feeling: Pretty good. I think nausea is mostly gone! If I remember correctly, then it is around this time in my pregnancy with Franklin that I finally started feeling better. I still have my days when I feel queasy, and I'm not complaining since they are far and apart these days. Just dealing with a slightly sore stomach muscles from everything expanding. My uterus is about a size of a cantaloupe, and I sure feel it! I have been experiencing a lot of breathless sensation lately, and it is from increased blood volume in my body. Crazy fact: Mother's body volume has increased to 50 percent of blood to compensate the loss through labor, delivery, and postpartum. I am also feeling really frustrated these days. It seem that my pregnancy brain has gotten worse this time around. I could just cry sometimes at how disorganized I have been with my memory lately. 

Movements: I have been feeling rainbow a lot these days. I think the baby really wants to be in part of the fun with his/her older brothers. On some days, I feel the baby a lot, and on some others, I feel the baby less. It all depends on the baby's mood, and where the baby is positioned. The rainbow is most active baby of all pregnancies I've had. 

Gender: In two weeks, we should know rainbow's gender!!! I'm thinking a boy number 4. I'm just really excited to find out, because there's several cute projects I want to get started for his nursery. Now...if the baby is a girl, then I'll have to go back to the drawing board for the projects. 

What Do I Miss the Most: Not having sore stomach muscles. Honestly, it is not a HUGE issue, and I can deal with it. It is just fascinating how our bodies expand, and accommodate a baby. It's not always the most pleasant feeling! 

Cravings: I have been all about fresh food lately. I want wraps with ton load of cucumbers, vegetables, and chicken. I'm not so preoccupied on fruits like I am with fresh vegetables. I told Stu the other day that I absolutely cannot wait for summer, because then we can get a lot of fresh produce everywhere! I am planning on making home made egg rolls soon. I've been wanting that so bad, and I think it's much cheaper to make our own than buying a box. 

Aversions: I don't really have any that triggers me these days. I just don't find that I gravitate to darker meat, and garlicky smelling food. It is becoming more of a disinterest now, rather than making me sick. 

Best Moments of the Week: Having Forrest kiss my belly every night at bedtime. It just warms my heart so much how involved he has been with my pregnancy (he WANTED NOTHING to do with my pregnancy with Franklin...must be the age thing). Spending time with our cousin Sara and the family at her house for a Packers game (sorry boys, better luck next year, Go green and gold). Being successful with my bread recipe by using dutch oven. Finding a connection in a local group on Facebook to hook up with a hair stylist to get my hair cut and colored...can't wait! It has been 2 years since I did something with my hair. I feel like for the first time in forever, I finally KNOW what I want, and I'm excited as heck about it. Starting a new Afghan crochet blanket project! 

Looking Forward to: I am starting to itch to buy baby things. I really don't need A LOT things, because I have already accumulated so much from having Forrest, and Franklin. Nonetheless, I am making lists for the boys to room together, baby needs, postpartum care, hospital bags, and house necessities. I'm so TYPE A, and need to organize things in order to know what to do. Since I am pretty much set with a lot of baby things, I have decided to go for better brand name products, and make sure all of the necessities I already have are updated (such as butt paste, baby  medication, gripe water, etc). It is really mostly small things. I am looking into Arm Reach bassinet for the baby to co-sleep with us, and bed situation for the boys to room (bunk beds, separate twin beds, or trundle). I'm eager to start new crochet projects, and postpartum care kit for myself. 

Next Appointment/Updates: January 31st at 9 am. I can't wait to see our Rainbow again. Just a week from tomorrow!! 

Sunday, January 15, 2017


How Far Along: 17 weeks! The rainbow is as big as a chipmunk, about 5 inches long, and the bones are getting calcified. This only means that the baby's kicks will be getting stronger!

I am Feeling: Excited, because I got a gender reveal balloon kit in the mail, and it only makes it more real that we are finding out our rainbow's gender soon. I finally decided to secure a birth photographer, and it was exciting too! I had a professor contact me to set up a schedule for a presentation about Deaf culture (for anybody who knows me; I'm big into educating about Deaf Culture)!  Nauseous; I had a cup of hot chocolate milk, and it was not sitting on my stomach too well. When will I ever learn my lesson that this little one does not like sweet food (probably never will I learn this lesson, because I want Girl Scout Cookies). I just wish this nausea would go away, and I feel bad to even complain about feeling this way, because I know there are ladies who struggle with terrible, terrible morning sickness. 

Movements: I've been feeling a lot more movements in the past couple days. The baby is definitely being busy lately. I wonder what the baby is up to? I think the baby really wants to keep up with his/her older brothers! 

Gender: I'm thinking a boy. We will find out in a month. Why does it have to be so far away yet?! I have decided that I would really like to do our gender reveal on my birthday, which is a day after our anatomy scan, because I think it would be a really fun day to find out! It does mean more waiting for us, but that is okay, because I think the wait would be worth it! How special would it be to find out on my birthday? 

What Do I Miss the Most: Not feeling nauseous. I am just so tired of feeling this way, and I really want to be in the "honeymoon" phase of the pregnancy already. 

Cravings: I notice that I've been buying vegetable Chinese egg rolls here, and there. It is not like I HAVE to have it, but every time I go into a food store, I find myself wanting to pick up that, and eat it. It's a bit too salty for my liking, yet at the same time, I'm like I really like it. I may make home made egg rolls soon, because that way, I can manage the sodium level, and add more flavors in it that I like. 

Aversions: Too much sweet food. Garlic. Garlicky smell. The smell of raw meat. Alcohol. Anything that smell really overpowering makes me feel sick. 

Best Moments of the Week: Finalizing things with Andrea for her to photograph our birth. I am so pumped about it. It is something I really need to do for myself, and to get myself start bonding with the whole pregnancy experience. I need to be excited about this pregnancy. Andrea is the best fit for us, and I really like her out of all the photographers (10 of them, matter of fact, ha ha) that I've interviewed. Here's her work if you want to check it out: Getting ready to find out our baby's gender by getting the balloon reveal in the mail. I can't wait! Getting a free Rodgers Jersey with the washing and dryer set we bought recently (gotta love local business). Having Dad and Jess visit us! The boys always love it when Grandparents, doesn't matter who as long as they're grandparents, visit! 

Looking Forward To: The day I finally feel normal, enjoying being WEEK 17, starting a new crochet project, a quilt project (a small one that I plan on doing monthly calendar for the wall), and starting amassing things for the baby. We are looking into a small bunk bed (twin over full) for the boys for once when the baby's born. 

Next Appointment/Updates: January 31st at 9 am for anatomy scan, and a follow up routine doctor appointment. I'm really excited to see our rainbow again! 

Sunday, January 8, 2017


How Far Along: 16 weeks.  

I am Feeling: Tired, and nauseous. I wish the nausea would go away already, and it is frustrating, because every time I think I find a trigger, and have a plan to avoid it; something new triggers my nausea, and I have to start the sleuthing all over again. Slightly annoyed, because my big Tom Cat is sitting right in the middle of my lap, and not moving...which means I have to type over him!! But he's keeping me, I think I can disregard my annoyance. Besides, I think the baby is enjoying the sound of Mr. Jinxy purring. Determined; I am kind of in a research mode right now, because I'm intrigued by having a birth photographer, and I want to learn more about it before I make a serious decision about it. I've been wanting to do this ever since I had Forrest, but could not justify having both birth, and newborn sessions. Having a rainbow baby is convincing me to look into it at least. 

Movements: The baby is starting to move more regularly, especially at the evening time, which I think it is the Rainbow's favorite time to be most active. Or it is because I am most relaxed, and I can concentrate more. Rainbow baby also likes to pack a punch when I at least expect it! I go oof, that is definitely the baby kicking at me! It makes me a bit afraid of how the kicks will feel once the baby is bigger...

Gender: A boy. We will find out at the end of January if my guess is right. 

What Do I Miss the Most: Feeling normal as in not feeling nauseous. I miss that. I want to be able to enjoy food without suffering the consequence. Come on little baby, be kind to mama, and let her enjoy stuff! 

Cravings: I've been enjoying a spoonful of Biscoff cookie spread (even though I end up nauseous). 

Aversions: Excessive salty food. I don't mind a bit of salt, but too much of it, meh. For instance, I had two egg rolls, and I ended up regretting it, because it was so salty. Greasy food. It seems to set off negative reaction in my body. 

Best Moments of the Week: I ordered a dress that never came. It was supposed to be for my weekly blog pictures, and I was pretty bummed. That was until a friend of mine offered to give me a dress for free from her business! It further confirmed to me that Karma was always at the work here. Forrest giving my belly kisses, and asking me if the baby can come out already. His excitement, and eagerness warmed my heart so much. 

Looking Forward to: Getting the dress from a friend of mine, and gender reveal balloon in the mail. I'm excited about doing a gender reveal with both of my boys, and Stu. I think it will be a lot of fun! Maybe not feeling so nauseous anymore soon? 

Next Appointment/Updates: January 31st at 9 am. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2017


How Far Along: 15 weeks! It's hard to believe that I am in the second trimester, and January has finally rolled in around. I've popped! It's much earlier than when I popped out with the boys (20 something weeks with Forrest, and 18-19 weeks with Frank). I did start having a belly on me last week, and it's more noticeable now. It feels a bit weird to have popped out this early, but at the same time, I really don't mind, because I love having a preggo belly! 

I am Feeling: Pretty good. My energy is back! I am able to function like a normal human being, and not feel like a slug. However, I still deal with nausea that comes and goes. It's a lot less terrible with not being on progesterone pills anymore. It peaks the most when I turn X week for a day to four days, then I feel better. It sure beats all day nausea, and wanting to throw up, and not being able to! I notice that I am starting to get sore hips. It has something to do with relaxin hormone loosening up the ligaments in my hips, which is a normal part of being pregnant. 

Movements: I swear that I felt a strong bump from the baby when I had Frank ride on my belly. I had to carry him from inside of the house to our van, because he didn't have boots on, and I did not feel like putting those on him (Frank has a tendency to throw them off once he is in the van anyway). I've had strong kicks every time I bend over. I still don't have regular movements, but I'm still early on in my pregnancy. The baby is only a size of lemon, and not quite strong enough to pack a punch just yet! Soon, though, soon! 

Gender: A boy. I'm getting excited about the possibility of having another boy. A boy mom is all what I really know. It will be crazy though...imagine that, but I figured if Mama Russ survived with three boys, then I can too. 

What do I Miss the Most: There is not much that I miss, other than feeling not nauseous all of the time. I've started drinking coffee again! I don't drink it regularly, because I notice if I drink too much of it, then I get nauseous. So a small cup of coffee is sufficient. I'm in a fun part of my pregnancy so I don't feel as sick, worn down, or tired. I'm going to take a full advantage of this though! 

Cravings: O..M..G. Cukes. I can't get enough of cukes. I also have been craving really bad for turkey sandwiches. Since I can't really eat them cold with the meat fresh off the deli machine, I have been making myself a turkey spinach pressed sandwiches lately, and it's so good! 

Aversions: The smell of raw or strong meat, and anything garlicky. Aside from that, not so much. 

Best Moments of the Week: Being home finally from the holiday travels, enjoying our gifts, and having our boys enjoy their presents. I can't wait to try out my new kitchen goodies! Getting an angel ornament from Stu; I was missing my angel baby pretty bad, and I felt nobody remembered him anymore, then Stu surprised me by giving me an angel ornament! He totally knew me. It was so touching, and made me so happy to have someone recognize our angel during Christmas holiday. Feeling the baby kick, and feeling heart beat on the doppler at the doctor office! Making it Facebook official! 

Looking Forward To: Anatomy scan to find out the baby's gender. We are not finding out immediately, but doing a gender reveal, and it should be fun for the boys to participate! It is really the reason why we are doing the gender reveal the way we are. Feeling the baby move more regularly. I am told that the baby is super active! Making it facebook official that we are expecting our rainbow! 

Next Appointment/Updates: The next appointment is on January 31st for the big ultrasound, and I'm excited, because it's a day before my birthday! The update with our rainbow is that the heart beat is clocked at 154! The baby is super, super active, and likes to kick at the doppler wand. I'm happy to know that our little rainbow is doing fantastic! 


How Far Along: 14 weeks

I am Feeling: Excited, because we have told our families about YOU! They are quite over the moon to meet you. It feels great to finally share the news with our families. We decided that we aren't going to make it Facebook official until after New Year's, because we want to enjoy this news a bit more with just ourselves before publicizing our pregnancy. I'm relieved that I'm finally DONE with the progesterone pills. 

Movement: All is quiet on the front. I've been so busy with the traveling, socializing, and celebrating the holidays that I haven't really concentrated on finding you. Have no fear, I know you're perfectly fine. 

Gender: A boy. I have a name picked out for you! It's a name we have picked for some time now, and we really love the name. It's different, like Forrest's name, and because of that, we need a traditional middle name to balance it out. 

What Do I Miss the Most: My energy. Where is it? Why isn't it coming back yet? I'm thankful that we are spending time with our families, because that means I get to rest more, and the boys get to play with their uncles, aunts, and cousins!

Cravings: I don't really have any. I have been pigging out, because well, I can. It's the best time to be pregnant...during the holidays, and I don't feel as quite as sick as I used to be. I still have nausea that peaks once or twice a week, and even so, it's nowhere like it was!

Aversions: Strong tasting meat. Too much sweet food. 

Best Moments of the Week: Our families know! I'm quite happy to have the news to be let out, and now we are able to really share our pregnancy with them. Meeting Baby Iz. She was so BEAUTIFUL. I loved holding her, and gosh, it made me just want to eat her up (not literally, mind you). What a beautiful baby. I was amazed at how tiny she was though--my boys were a beast as babies. 

Looking Forward to: Being Week 15! 

Next Appointment/Updates: January 3rd at 1 pm. 


How Far Along: 13 weeks! I'm starting to sport a bump! Of course, we liken my bump as a "vanishing bump", because by the end of the day, my belly is rounded out, then by the morning, it's back to being smaller, not as visible bump! I blame it on the food! It is crazy that I'm finally in the second trimester. If we do the math, then 13 weeks and 3 days means I'm officially in the second trimester. Finally! I'm glad to have first trimester to be put behind of me, and be able to look forward to all the fun in the second trimester. 

I am Feeling: I am feeling better compared to last week. Last week has been a tough one with not feeling so well. In the past couple days, I've been feeling better, because of my mom visiting, and helping out with the kids. So I'm able to rest more than I normally do! I am getting anxious about announcing our pregnancy to our families soon. It doesn't help that I had a nightmare about my pregnancy, and not quite feeling the baby move yet. From what I understand, it's pretty normal for a lot of my anxieties to show up as nightmares, especially after experiencing a loss, and it has been so helpful to be a part of Rainbow Pregnancy group to get a lot of support! I am slowly getting my energy back. I have had some good days where I have a great burst of energy, and be able to do things. On some days, I just want to sit, and be unmotivated, which is kind of impossible with two wild boys running around! I relish their rest time, because then I get to sit, and do nothing for an hour, or sometimes two! 

Movement: All is quiet on the front. I've had a quivering here, and there. I'm anxious to get around to finally feeling the baby move. My placenta is not anterior (in front), so I should be feeling the baby soon! Right now, the baby is about the size of a lemon. 

Gender: I'm rolling the dice, and calling it a boy! 

What Do I Miss the Most: Feeling normal energy-wise. I want my old self back. I have tons of projects I want to complete, and I have a huge cookie baking project coming up. Come on, energy! Come to me! 

Cravings: I don't really have any at this moment. 

Aversions: Anything sweet in a huge amount makes me feel nauseous. Still not crazy about the smell of cooking meat. I'm just looking forward to being able to eat food like a normal person. If I don't eat, then I feel nauseous, and if I eat, then I feel nauseous. I can't win. 

Best Moments of the Week: Having my mom visit! It was hard to hide my pregnancy from her, because I've had a few moments of wanting to tell her something about pregnancy, or baby related, then I remembered that we had not announced yet. But, I pulled it off, and she still had no idea. Anyway, it was great having Mom visit, and help out with the boys! Getting a decent snowfall from a snow storm over the weekend! Wrapping Christmas gifts, getting packages in the mail, and making Pasties with Stu. I have always loved cooking, and baking with Stu. Those moments have become far, and rare these days! So, I really cherish this time when we do have a chance to do that!

Looking Forward To: Temperature to get above sub-freezing temperatures. I always worry about slipping on the ice, because I'm a huge klutz like that. I'm excited to be able to announce to our families next week, and no longer keeping our pregnancy a secret! I'm also excited for Christmas. It's one of my favorite holidays, and I love having our families come together to celebrate. Being able to go off Progesterone medication, because that means my placenta is finally formed, and able to support the baby on its own. I am a bit nervous about stopping progesterone, but it is honestly not needed anymore. So it's become almost like a security blanket, and it's time to cut it off. 

Next Appointment/Updates: January 3rd. Stopping progesterone medication this week as soon as I turn 14 weeks! Yay! 


How Far Along: 12 Weeks! It is hard to believe that we are approaching the end of the first trimester! 

I am Feeling: Pretty emotional. This pregnancy has been tough emotionally. I finally feel like I am out of the woods for a threatened miscarriage. I've been so guarded throughout the first trimester, and it has prevented me from bonding with the whole pregnancy experience. It is so comforting to feel sick, and all the symptoms that comes with being pregnant, because it is my security blanket in knowing that the baby is thriving. With this pregnancy, I've been super weepy, and cried quite a lot. With our 12 weeks scan coming back in clear, I finally feel like, AH, I can relax. 

Movement: Believe it or not, I have been feeling quivering since week 7! It is quite normal with subsequent pregnancies to feel the baby sooner! This baby is an evidently dancer, kicker, and shaker according to our 12 week scan. Dr. J, our ultrasound specialist, said that with my placenta positioned in the back (about the time, it was anterior with both of my boys), I should be able to feel the baby move more strongly sooner!

Gender: It is too early to say. However, I think we are having another boy! I can't say that I am too surprised. I think Stu, and I both only emit blue in our bodies; seeing that we have had two boys, an angel boy, and possibly this a boy rainbow baby. Based on fun theories; according to skull theory, babies with flat forehead (think caveman, arrgh) tend to be boys, and babies with smooth rounded forehead tend to be girls, and this baby is definitely looking like a caveman! The nub theory indicates that a baby could be a boy or a girl based on how a nub lies (raised, or parallel, and stacked or not). My scan is done a bit too early to determine accurately--it is best done between 12 weeks 4 day to 14 weeks, and my scan is done at 11 weeks and 6 days. However, the baby's nub looks kind of raised, and stacked. So this points to a boy! We shall see if the theories are accurate for this baby, and I may be staying in a Boy Mom Club after all! 

What Do I Miss the Most: Coffee. I've been so paranoid about drinking coffee during my pregnancy, because excessive consumption of caffeine can potentially lead to a miscarriage. Once I read that, I'm like forget it, and I'm going to wait! I have not had a regular every day cup of coffee in over a year; counting all those times when we were trying for our 3rd, being pregnant, then ultimately our loss of 3rd baby, TTC for our rainbow, and getting through the first trimester with our rainbow. I haven't had a cup of coffee since right before I got pregnant with our rainbow (I HAD TO DRINK A CUP OF PUMPKIN SPICE, OKAY, THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS PASSING UP ON THAT). I am almost out of the first trimester, I am starting to warm up to the idea of having a cup of coffee here, and there. 

Cravings: I don't really feel like I have any true cravings. I eat food what I can tolerate the most, which are usually bland food like white meat, pasta, and vegetables. 

Aversions: Just like my previous pregnancies, I can't stand the smell of cooking oil in the skillet, and the smell of raw meat being cooked. Yuck. I don't really like a lot of salt on food--it makes me feel so thirsty. I still eat sweet food, even though this baby isn't a fan of sweet food, and I get sick from it. Oh well! Suck it up, baby. Mama wants it. 

Best Moments of the Week: Having our boys come with us to our ultrasound. Forrest was so excited to see the baby! I think he was just surprised that we could see a baby in my belly. Frank was more unsure, and I didn't worry, because of the age thing, and he will come to figure it out in time. However, recently, Forrest came up to me, and patted my belly, then said, BABY! Frank saw that, and started to pet my belly, and kiss my belly. It melted my heart. What sweet boys I have. Just seeing our rainbow waving at us, and knowing that the baby was doing great. My brother, and my sister in law had their daughter, Izabelle, recently!!! How exciting!!! I totally cried, because I was so excited to be an aunt again! 

Looking Forward to: Wrapping all the Christmas presents that we ordered, and bought. I started doing that last night, and it was so much fun! Just one of my favorite activities. I can't wait for our loved ones to see what they've received, and enjoy them! The snow that we are getting, and turning our little world into a winter wonderland! Being week 13!

Weekly Wisdom: It's time to break free from my fears, worries, and sadness, and ENJOY this pregnancy! 

Next Appointment/Updates:
Tuesday January 3rd! It is just a routine check up with Dr. Mbah. 

...And There's a Rainbow

A rainbow is a promise:
 of sunshine after rain
Of calm after storms
Of joy after sadness
Of peace after pain
Of love after loss. 

Announcing our fourth pregnancy did not come lightly to us. It has been a journey of trepidation, worrying, a lot of tears, and guarded optimism ever since we learned we fell pregnant. We chose to keep silent throughout the first trimester to be cautious, and to possibly save ourselves from another heartache. I felt so much more private this time surrounding the topic surrounding losses, even though I chose to remain vocal about my angel baby. 

I discovered my pregnancy very early on. I didn't have much symptoms to convince me to test. As soon as we were cleared to start trying again, I tested monthly, and prayed for the second line to appear on the test. I worried it would take a long time, whether the surgery had affected us, and whether we were really ready for another. Despite my worries, we desperately wanted a baby, not to replace the one we lost, but to fill in the feeling of incompleteness. Our third was supposed to make us complete. It sadly did not happen that way. That drive was what kept us going for our fourth. Like I had mentioned, there was very little symptoms to tip me off, and I had not missed my time of the month, because I was still early off, yet I decided to test on a gut feeling. 

To my surprise, there was a very faint second line. I stood there, debating whether I should call Stu for a second pair of eyes, or to not say anything at all in case if it turned out to be nothing. By this point, we were old timers when it came to pregnancy announcements. I decided to just call Stu up to the bathroom, and showed him the pregnancy test. He was not completely convinced either. I decided to wait until the following day, and I did. The following day, the second line was bolder. There was no mistaking it.

A phone call to my OB office led me to having a lot of tests in the beginning. There was a test for HCG; to make sure the levels were rising properly. The result showed that my HCG was rising accordingly on time, and looking great at two or three different times. Then there was a test to determine my progesterone level. It came back iffy. I had to be retested. The progesterone level wasn't as high like it should have been, and was not rising with HCG. At this point, I was prodded, and poked so many times that I developed bruises on my arms.

By my 4th week, I was prescribed progesterone pill suppositories. I started to bleed shortly after. I was convinced that we were going to lose this baby. The OB on the call told us that I was still so early at this point that there was nothing to be done except to allow time to determine the outcome, and to come in the next day for an ultrasound. I did not sleep well that night. The next day we went in, everything looked good from a medical point of view, even though we did not see anything except for a clear sac. We were told it was still very early on to see anything. The tests pointed to everything looking good. Again, we needed time to determine what was going to happen for this baby.

 I spent a good month crying, stressing, and worrying I would lose this baby. Loneliness enveloped me, because I was not ready to share the news with the world, with my closest friends, and with anybody. Fear really took its grip in my soul during this time that we would be facing yet another loss. 

As I continued my progesterone pills, I suddenly caught on to something, and realized that as soon as the pill started dissolving, it turned into a red discharge, and it looked like blood. I was both relieved, and irritated. Relief because I figured out the mystery behind the so-called bleeding, and irritation because of the pharmacy companies prescribing brown-reddish pills--why would on the earth would they make pills in that color for pregnant women?!  

6th week rolled around. We went in for an ultrasound. I was both so afraid, and so hopeful to see something positive coming out of this experience, unlike the last time. In the beginning, we did not see anything, and I held my breath. I was told I had a long, and tilted uterus. After what it felt like forever, we suddenly saw a tiny bean floating around, and the most beautiful sight came on the screen: heart beat flickering. I started crying, not because I was so sad, but because I was so relieved. Alive. It was the best, most beautiful, and wonderful sight to bestow upon. 

I wish I could say it was a breeze after that. It wasn't emotionally easy. I spent a lot of time crying, worrying, and stressing. If I wasn't doing any of that, then I was feeling sick as a dog, and crying at silliest notions. Nausea became my best friend. I never really dealt with nausea this bad in my previous pregnancies. It was just all day thing with no break. I grew exhausted, and weepy. I lived on tic tacs, because it was the only thing that stopped me from gagging so much. I discovered I hated salty food, and the smell of meat cooking. Constipation became my foe, because the thought of drinking and eating made me feel sick, yet when I ate or drank, I felt better. It was a constant battle.  I developed a heartburn--it was different than what I had with Frank. With Frank, it was an indigestion, and with this pregnancy, it was just contributing to my gagging. 

9th week arrived. It was Thanksgiving week. I went in for a routine check up with Dr. Mbah. She was a saint for putting up with my worries, and questioning. She put me at ease, and told me that she was a doctor, therefore she knew what she was doing, and she said my feelings were absolutely natural after a loss. She prescribed me medication for my heartburn. I asked her if we could try find the baby's heartbeat with a doppler. Dr. Mbah cautioned me that it would be a miracle to find a heartbeat at this point. I wanted to know that the baby was doing okay, because we had discovered about our third baby's loss about this time earlier in the last year, and desperately needed to be reassured. I acknowledged it may not be feasible to find the baby heartbeat this point, but wanted to try. Dr. Mbah took her time. At first, it looked like we were not going to find the baby...then...heartbeat galloped on the doppler. 169, 154, 160, 155. I breathed a sense of relief, and was able to enjoy my Thanksgiving.

Our NT scan arrived quickly. It was nerve-racking to go into the ultrasound room, and find out how our rainbow was doing. I started to cry almost immediately, because I was so anxious about our baby's well-being. Dr. J was quite sweet, and wonderful. He gave me a box of Kleenex, and told me no more crying, because our baby was doing just quite great! Sure enough, he was right; our rainbow was dancing, kicking, bouncing, and wiggling around. I replied that I would probably cry anyway even with knowing our rainbow was doing well! Dr. J smiled, and asked me if those were happy tears instead. I nodded my head yes. Forrest was absolutely enthralled by the baby on the screen. Dr. J even printed out a picture of our little one waving at us! 

As it has appeared to be, our rainbow is here to stay, and has given us so much love already. This baby has been worth every worry, every tear, and every fear I have had since our miscarriage. We are already so in love with this little person, and we are looking forward to meeting our baby. 

Here's our rainbow coming to join our family around June 21st, 2017!